


The 2017 Short Story Speedwriting Challenge: Curiouser and Curiouser

by Snooky



Category: Hogan's Heroes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-12 22:13:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11171148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snooky/pseuds/Snooky
Summary: ...or, Schultz's Adventures Underground. Sergeant Schultz knew he shouldn't follow that rabbit into the tunnel, but he had no idea of how strange things were about to get. Can our intrepid, imaginative writers rise to the challenge? Let's find out...Cross-posted from Fanfiction.net....story by Dust on the Wind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For quite a few years, the Hogan's Heroes fandom on Fanfiction.net holds a short story speedwriting contest to raise money for charity. Authors and readers contribute a chosen amount per posted story and donate to the charity of their choice. Seeing that we have quite a few authors on this site who are not on ff.net, we have decided to post here as well. Hopefully, we will have more participants and, in turn, raise more money.

Story by fanfiction.net author, Dust on the Wind

I do not own any of the characters from the series Hogan's Heroes.

With acknowledgement, and gratitude, to Lewis Carroll, whose work is now in the public domain and therefore susceptible to this kind of mistreatment.

Cover image adapted from an illustration by John Tenniel (1820-1840), from "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland".

Chapter 1: Down the Rabbit Hole

Schultz was beginning to get very tired of lurking outside Barracks 2, trying to look as though he had nothing to do. He had done his best, just as he had been ordered by Kommandant Klink, to eavesdrop on the conversation going on in Colonel Hogan's private quarters, but they hadn't once mentioned girls, food or beer. And who cares about a conversation, thought Schultz without food, beer or girls?

So he was considering in his own mind (as well as he could; the tedium of his task had made him very sleepy), whether the pleasure of sneaking off to the Sergeants' Mess for a little refreshment would be worth the trouble he would get in if the Big Shot caught him leaving his post, when suddenly an enormous Rabbit with furious eyes and an air of menace came bounding up to him.

There was nothing remarkable in that, as the woods outside the camp were teeming with animals; nor did Schultz think it so very much out of the way to hear the Rabbit growl under its breath, "Fools! Bunglers! Must I do everything myself?" It did seem strange when the rabbit drew a pistol from inside its trenchcoat, since Schultz couldn't remember ever seeing any woodland creature who knew how to handle a Luger; but after all, there was a war on.

"Quickly, Schultz", barked the Rabbit, "there is no time to lose! Follow me!" And it raced to the door of the barracks and disappeared inside. Schultz lumbered after it, trying to straighten his steel helmet without dropping his rifle, and was just in time to see it descending into a large hole which seemed to have appeared under one of the bunk beds.

Schultz stopped in his tracks. This looked suspiciously like the sort of situation about which he would be best off to know nothing. But from the depths below came a furious leporine shriek: "Schultz!"

It might only be a Rabbit, but orders were orders. Grumbling under his breath, Schultz went after it.

The tunnel - for it was a tunnel, there was no question about that - went on for quite a way. Schultz was just wondering to himself how the prisoners had managed to dig so far, let alone what they could possibly have done with all the dirt, when without warning, the ground opened up beneath him, and he found himself falling down a very deep hole.

"Oh, boy!" he muttered to himself, as he tumbled over, then, still plummeting, slowly settled into a stable, if unnerving, free-fall position. "This time they went too far."

Either the hole was very deep, or he fell very slowly, for he had plenty of time as he went down to look about him. He noticed the sides of the hole were filled with shelves, all laden with odd items – radios and cameras, jars and canisters, and a lot of other things he was sure he would rather not know about; here and there, maps and pictures were hung. Schultz, feeling in need of a little liquid sustenance, grabbed a bottle from one of the shelves as he passed. To his great consternation, however, it was labelled "NITROGLYCERIN". Of course, he dropped it, but somehow managed to field it again with his other hand (he seemed to have lost his rifle at some point) and put it onto another shelf as he fell past.

"Ach, du lieber! If that had hit the floor, it would have exploded! It would probably have killed me!" he said aloud. Then, after a moment, he went on, "That is, if there is a floor at the bottom of this hole. I must have been falling for hours, and I haven't hit it yet. Maybe the prisoners have tunnelled all the way to the other side of the world. Very clever! Klink would never think to look for them in Australia."

The thought of the Kommandant unsettled him. By now Klink must have noticed his absence, and this was going to be very hard to explain. Of course, Schultz would be in Australia soon, too, but this was no comfort to him. "I don't want to go to Australia. They have dangerous animals there. What would I do if I was attacked by a koala bear?"

He tried to compose his nerves by looking at some of the pictures all around, although he was plummeting so fast now that he could scarcely get more than a glimpse as he hurtled past. They seemed vaguely familiar, as though he'd seen them before. Indeed, in his increasingly befuddled state (for he had been falling so long, with so little to think about, that he was getting quite drowsy), he still thought he recognised the faces in them, although they seemed to be in unexpected places, doing unlikely things.

It was all very strange, and he wished he could find all these pictures in one place, where he could look at them at his leisure.

"I wish Colonel Hogan was here, so I could ask him what's going on," said Schultz. "But on the other hand, if I asked him, he might actually tell me..."

And here, Schultz began to doze off. He was just dreaming that he was back in the barracks, saying to Colonel Hogan, "Now, tell me the truth –what is going on here? Shh – don't tell me – I see nothing, I hear nothing, I know noth- ", when suddenly, thump! thump! down he came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves, and the fall was over.

"Owwwww! I am too old for this. And too fat," he groaned, as he lay on his back, waving his arms and legs like some kind of mock turtle. Finally, by a heroic effort, he managed to roll over and stagger to his feet.

He was standing in another long passage. The Rabbit was nowhere in sight, but from a distance could be heard a shrill cry: "I will surround this tunnel with a ring of steel!" Schultz hastened in the direction it seemed to come from, and turning a corner, came to yet another passage, this one with doors along each side.

"I guess he must have gone through one of these doors," remarked Schultz. He tried the nearest, but it was locked. As he stepped back, he noticed there was a sign on the door. He peered at it, and read out loud:

Let's assume you were going to die.

Schultz boggled at the words for quite a long time, once again beset by a nagging sense of having heard them before, although he couldn't remember where or when. All he knew was, he would rather not assume anything of the sort. Resolutely, he turned away.

The next door was locked, too, and just like the first, it had a sign attached:

Please, don't scare me more than is absolutely necessary.

"It's much too late for that," mumbled Schultz; and he moved on, but he didn't like the third door any better:

You will never regret it, unless someone shoots you.

And so it went on; every door was locked, and every door bore its own sign, with its own message, though what they meant, he had no idea:

He's you, that's who he is.

Did I volunteer for something again?

Funny – it doesn't seem like it's ten o'clock.

It's only until tomorrow, then he's going to take it off again.

I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.

There's a place for everything, and the thing is in its place.

You want to talk about gyroscopes at a time like this?

Now, you take your average, basic smoke bomb.

That's what I said to him – in this weather?

For the last time, Schultzie, open that door!

Schultz stood for a long time in front of the last one. "I would, if I could," he said at last. "Maybe it would get me out of here. I don't understand any of this."

He turned slowly all the way around, looking for any clue as to where the Rabbit had gone, and noticed something he hadn't seen before – a poster on the wall. With an uneasy feeling, he lumbered over, and peered at it. At the top was a word he understood:

ACHTUNG!

The 2017 Hogan's Heroes Short Story Speed-Writing Challenge is now open!

The rules:

1\. Between now and Saturday, 24th June, write as many short one-shot stories as you wish, based on the given prompts.

2\. All stories must meet a minimum word count of 1,000 and a maximum word count of 5,000.

3\. This year's prompts are quotes taken directly from episodes of Hogan's Heroes. Your story must include at least one of these quotes.

4\. As an added bonus for this year, katbybee has provided a series of pictures taken from the show which you can also use to further inspire you. I encourage you to do so - they are really good. She's numbered them so you can identify which ones you've used.

The pictures can be found here (you'll need to take out the spaces):

1drv. ms/a/s! AlduuNlHK5Y5lWpB8P2tMk4SJKbl

5\. All stories are to be posted en masse on Saturday 24th June 2014. As long as it's that date somewhere in the world (I believe American Samoa is the last time zone to cross over), it's okay to post. Already Saturday in Fiji? Fine! Still Saturday in Hawaii? Go right ahead!

6\. If you recognise the source of the quote or the picture, please don't base your story on that episode. It wouldn't be cricket, would it?

7\. Any genre, style or format is welcomed, provided it's not in breach of the terms of the site where you post it, and as long as it doesn't infringe on copyright law.

And just one more time – here are your prompts:

Let's assume you were going to die.

Please, don't scare me more than is absolutely necessary.

You will never regret it, unless someone shoots you.

He's you, that's who he is.

Did I volunteer for something again?

Funny – it doesn't seem like it's ten o'clock.

It's only until tomorrow, then he's going to take it off again.

I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.

There's a place for everything, and the thing is in its place.

You want to talk about gyroscopes at a time like this?

Now, you take your average, basic smoke bomb.

That's what I said to him – in this weather?

For the last time, Schultzie, open that door!

Schultz read all the way to the end. Then he heaved a deep, fatalistic sigh. "Oh, boy," he said. "Am I in trouble!"

...and now it's up to the intrepid, imaginative writers of the HH community. Can they rise to the challenge?

Many thanks to katbybee for her work on the picture gallery which accompanies this challenge; to 96Hubbles for helping with the prompts; and to snooky-9093 who has offered to cross-post to AO3.


	2. Which Way?

Chapter 2: Which Way?  
We rejoin Schultz some time later, a considerable distance away, and following many adventures too complicated to go into here...

"Well," said Schultz, as he hurried along the woodland path, "I think I was lucky to escape from that place with my life. It's funny, I always imagined Berchtesgaden to be much bigger. And to think that it's just having so much pepper in his food that makes our glorious Leader so very..."

He broke off abruptly, realising that he was not alone. Sitting on the bough of a tree ahead, just by a fork in the path, was a Cat. Not just any Cat, either. Schultz couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he was sure that, somewhere, he'd seen the creature before: the relaxed attitude, the gleaming eyes under a tilted-back airman's cap, the broad, unnerving grin - this Cat seemed all too familiar.

"Hi, Schultz," said the Cat. "How's tricks?"

"You tell me," muttered Schultz under his breath; but even though the creature looked good-natured enough, it had something of an officer's bearing about it. A Colonel, at the very least. At any rate, he had a feeling it would be in his best interest to treat it with at least the appearance of respect. "Herr Colonel...I mean, Herr K-K-Katze," he went on in his most obsequious tone, "could you possibly tell me which path I should take?"

"Well, that depends," replied the Cat. "Where do you want to end up?"

"Anywhere, as long as it's not here."

The Cat's grin got even wider. "Oh, well, that's easy. Just keep walking."

Schultz sighed. That was not much help.

"Where does that way go?" he asked, pointing towards the right. He didn't like the look of it; the forest grew dense and dark on either side, reaching across the crooked trail with leafless angular branches which seemed ready to accuse, and then to trap, any unwary innocent who ventured near.

"That way? Gestapo headquarters. And the other way," said the Cat, pointing to the path on the left, where within a few yards all visibility was obscured by what appeared to be a severe blizzard, "that's the Russian Front. Take your pick, but if you want my opinion, you'd have to be crazy to choose either of them."

And with that, the Cat simply vanished.

Since Schultz had already started to suspect this particular Cat (or Colonel) of having supernatural powers, he wasn't surprised; nor did he blink when the creature returned just as suddenly as it had gone. "Of course," it went on, "you could always go back the way you came."

Schultz glanced over his shoulder in the direction of the pepper-filled Berchtesgaden, and shuddered. "I would rather not."

"I guess you're not crazy after all," said the Cat, and vanished again.

"Well, he does not want to help me at all," said Schultz to himself. "So, as I have to make this important decision for myself, I must choose as wisely as I possibly can. Heads I go left, tails I go right." He flipped the coin, caught it, slapped it onto the back of his hand, and peered at it. After a moment, he spoke again: "Best of three?"

"By the way, Schultz, I forgot to ask." The Cat, looking more than ever like a Colonel, had rematerialised. "If you did have a choice, where would you go?"

"Back to Stalag 13, of course," said Schultz.

"Stalag 13? Now I know you're crazy." And for the third time, the Cat disappeared, leaving behind a faint, floating after-image of his smile.

Schultz stared at where it had been. "Well, I have often seen a Colonel without a grin, that's how Klink always looks. But a grin without a Colonel – no doubt about it, that has got to be Hogan."

Just by way of a reminder – the posting date for the Short Story Speed Writing Challenge is Saturday, 24th June. If you're using one of katbybee's images as a prompt, she has given permission for those who wish to use the image as your story cover (with appropriate credit, of course).

PS – no, of course it wasn't really the Führer. It wasn't even really Berchtesgaden. And it may well have been fake pepper.

The Cat, however, is indeed a Cat – unless it isn't.


	3. Which Way?

Chapter 2: Which Way?  
We rejoin Schultz some time later, a considerable distance away, and following many adventures too complicated to go into here...

"Well," said Schultz, as he hurried along the woodland path, "I think I was lucky to escape from that place with my life. It's funny, I always imagined Berchtesgaden to be much bigger. And to think that it's just having so much pepper in his food that makes our glorious Leader so very..."

He broke off abruptly, realising that he was not alone. Sitting on the bough of a tree ahead, just by a fork in the path, was a Cat. Not just any Cat, either. Schultz couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he was sure that, somewhere, he'd seen the creature before: the relaxed attitude, the gleaming eyes under a tilted-back airman's cap, the broad, unnerving grin - this Cat seemed all too familiar.

"Hi, Schultz," said the Cat. "How's tricks?"

"You tell me," muttered Schultz under his breath; but even though the creature looked good-natured enough, it had something of an officer's bearing about it. A Colonel, at the very least. At any rate, he had a feeling it would be in his best interest to treat it with at least the appearance of respect. "Herr Colonel...I mean, Herr K-K-Katze," he went on in his most obsequious tone, "could you possibly tell me which path I should take?"

"Well, that depends," replied the Cat. "Where do you want to end up?"

"Anywhere, as long as it's not here."

The Cat's grin got even wider. "Oh, well, that's easy. Just keep walking."

Schultz sighed. That was not much help.

"Where does that way go?" he asked, pointing towards the right. He didn't like the look of it; the forest grew dense and dark on either side, reaching across the crooked trail with leafless angular branches which seemed ready to accuse, and then to trap, any unwary innocent who ventured near.

"That way? Gestapo headquarters. And the other way," said the Cat, pointing to the path on the left, where within a few yards all visibility was obscured by what appeared to be a severe blizzard, "that's the Russian Front. Take your pick, but if you want my opinion, you'd have to be crazy to choose either of them."

And with that, the Cat simply vanished.

Since Schultz had already started to suspect this particular Cat (or Colonel) of having supernatural powers, he wasn't surprised; nor did he blink when the creature returned just as suddenly as it had gone. "Of course," it went on, "you could always go back the way you came."

Schultz glanced over his shoulder in the direction of the pepper-filled Berchtesgaden, and shuddered. "I would rather not."

"I guess you're not crazy after all," said the Cat, and vanished again.

"Well, he does not want to help me at all," said Schultz to himself. "So, as I have to make this important decision for myself, I must choose as wisely as I possibly can. Heads I go left, tails I go right." He flipped the coin, caught it, slapped it onto the back of his hand, and peered at it. After a moment, he spoke again: "Best of three?"

"By the way, Schultz, I forgot to ask." The Cat, looking more than ever like a Colonel, had rematerialised. "If you did have a choice, where would you go?"

"Back to Stalag 13, of course," said Schultz.

"Stalag 13? Now I know you're crazy." And for the third time, the Cat disappeared, leaving behind a faint, floating after-image of his smile.

Schultz stared at where it had been. "Well, I have often seen a Colonel without a grin, that's how Klink always looks. But a grin without a Colonel – no doubt about it, that has got to be Hogan."

Just by way of a reminder – the posting date for the Short Story Speed Writing Challenge is Saturday, 24th June. If you're using one of katbybee's images as a prompt, she has given permission for those who wish to use the image as your story cover (with appropriate credit, of course).

PS – no, of course it wasn't really the Führer. It wasn't even really Berchtesgaden. And it may well have been fake pepper.

The Cat, however, is indeed a Cat – unless it isn't.


End file.
